I am currently sitting on the wooden
parquet floor in the master bedroom. There are colored pencils scattered all
over the floor. I pick one of them up and start coloring the pictures in my
favorite Enid Blyton book to kill boredom. I see my sister running towards the
room all of a sudden, her face lighting up. I wonder if I have just missed out
on something. I immediately stop coloring and look up at her even as she stands
above me, panting.
“Kim, Kim! Natalie just gave birth!” she
exclaims excitedly.
Natalie is my parents’ birthday gift to
my sister. She is a ginger colored hamster with fur that is ever so soft.
“Yeah, right. Don’t
lie,” I say.
“I’m not! Come and see yourself lah if you don’t believe!” she says.
Before I even have time to put my colored
pencils away (my colored pencils are my prized possessions, by the way), my
sister drags me along to my very own bedroom where Natalie had just given birth.
This is where we keep the hamster’s cage. I look wide-eyed at the new born baby
hamsters in awe. This is my first time witnessing a hamster giving birth with my
own eyes. I put on a disgusted look on my face. I wonder if all baby hamsters
look like that when they first come out.
“Ew, they look so ugly,” I tell my sister.
Blushing pink, bald, furless, eyes still
enclosed under a thin sheet of membrane and tiny skeleton-like legs. My room
is starting to smell like decomposing meat.
A few weeks have passed. Natalie’s
babies look more like hamsters now. All five of them are starting
to grow fur and they are growing bigger each day. I think they look a whole lot
cuter than before. My favorite is Snowy.
I
cannot tell what time it is, but the sun is starting to set. I am lying down on
the sofa, not doing anything. Boredom is eating me up. I get up from the sofa
and walk up the flight of stairs. I feel as if it is taking me forever to reach
the top of the staircase. I tiptoe into the master bedroom and I see that both
my mother and my sister are taking a nap. I decide not to wake them up and
instead, take Snowy out for a ‘little walk’. I open up the hamsters’ cage and I
take Snowy out and cup him into my hands, just like always. This time, I decide
to let Snowy run about freely on the floor. I get up on both feet with Snowy
still within the grasp of my two hands. I stand up and all of a sudden, Snowy
scurries out of my hand’s grip and lands on the floor.
Immobile.
I freeze.
I am pretty sure my heart just skipped a
few beats. I feel a shortness of breath.
I want to pick Snowy up, I really do…but
I am afraid that he might be dead. Tears start to well up in my eyes. My throat
is tight, and I cannot utter even one word. Fear starts to take control over me. I close my eyes and count to three, hoping that
everything would be fine once I open them. One, two, three, I count in my head.
I slowly open up my eyes and I see that Snowy is still on the floor, lying in
the same position as before. I gather up all my courage and pick Snowy up, my
hands trembling with fear. Snowy starts blinking. I let out a sigh of relief,
knowing that he is still alive but he is somehow not as active as before. I put
him back into the cage, only to realise that Snowy cannot walk properly. It seems to
me like his two back legs are broken. I feel as if a knife has been stabbed
right through my heart. I can feel my heart breaking.
Oh
God, what did I just do…
I see the sun shining right through the
window shades and the first thing I do is check on Snowy. I am starting to
panic. I see Snowy sleeping. I blow onto his
fur to wake him up, but he shows no response. I blow no more. I know that Snowy
is already dead. Gone. Forever. I cry uncontrollably. This is entirely my
fault, and I know it. My mother and sister hear the sound of my cry. They try
to console me.
“It’s not your fault, Kim. I’m sure you didn’t
mean to do that,” my mother tries to comfort me.
But it is no use. I know that I am the
cause of this. I've just killed my favourite hamster…
My sister digs a hole in our garden
using a toy spade for the burial of Snowy. The thought of Snowy rotting in the
dug up hole makes me feel sick already. I fold a paper heart and bury it
together with Snowy’s petite body. I hope he receives my paper heart in heaven.
I don't know if there is a heaven for animals, but I hope that Snowy
will know that I always loved him and never meant to take his life away,
wherever he is at this very moment. I try to hold back my tears but they stream down on my face anyway. I will never forget the days when Snowy and I used to spend time
together. The guilt that I feel deep within me will never cease to be erased
out of my memory.
Ever.
[Note: This was based on a true story. However, events took place about 14 years ago.]
